I've finally figured out why writing is so difficult for me. I'm positive that the language of my thoughts is not English. I don't mean that I think in French or Polish. My thoughts are simply not the same as the spoken word. I constantly have deep, insightful, even mind-blowing thoughts that I can't put into words. And when that happens, I get melancholy and then I am overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom. And show tunes make me want to cry. And I don't even have PMS. When this happens, I feel mute, like I have something to say that is so important, something that when I finally put it into words will reveal the meaning of the universe to us all. It's right there on the tip of my tongue. I rush pen to paper, and then; drivel. It sounds like Margaret Atwood in my mind, but comes out all Danielle Steel. And I read it, and I know that's not what I was thinking. But I don't know what's missing either.
I once read somewhere that babies think in pictures before they learn language, because they don't have words to name things with their minds. How does one study something like that? Yet it does make sense if babies have no language, that their thoughts would not be words. Maybe the aren't really thinking, they are just being. Feeling hunger and warmth and the prick of immunizations and wondering what the fuck is up with those creepy Baby Einstein DVD's. Heh. Infancy may be the only time in our lives without our monkey minds. Except for the Zen Buddists, but how does one prove their monkey mind isn't running while they're meditating. I'll never know for sure, because I've tried turning my monkey mind off (even with the help of a real life Zen Buddist) with no luck.
I know I don't think in pictures. And I certainly don't think in plain English. It doesn't matter what it's called; I would just like a Thought-to-English dictionary, please.
I wrote this in the car today, on the back of painting Sylvia made at preschool. I was between dropping Clara at dance and going right back to the school to pick Rodrigo up from Bell Choir. That's real motherhood right there. Exploring the mysteries of how our minds work while shuttling the kids to all their after-school activities. For quite some time I haven't had the urge to write anything down RIGHT NOW like I did today. Guess I was too busy moving and re-learing how to think in a logical and orgainzed fashion so that I could dive back into the working world. It felt good to grab a pen and preserve something of myself again. Aha, I've been trying for 2 weeks to treat myself a little better. Exercise, yoga, getting outside and gardening, reading the back porch and just enjoying our new home whenever I can steal a moment. Out of this effort rose the desire to record my thoughts about something other than my children. That said, they're still my favorite subject. If I am at a loss for words in describing the intense joy and love they've brought into my life; all I have to do is post a picture and no words are needed.
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